Those Latent Homosexual Tendencies

Every man who has ever had to woo a woman (except for mine) has had to dig within himself to find his most dormant homosexual tendencies to spew forth at her. (You don't know what I'm talking about? Think Robert Pattinson and Tom Cruise).

I got the following email today from a random guy, who I personally don't believe had to dig very deep to find his.

I'm sitting here in my office and two things came to mind when thinking of you. So I thought I'd express them both. Both aren't original thoughts however, I did edit them to get my feelings across.

They say when you are missing someone that they are probably feeling the same, so I just wonder is it really possible for you to miss me as much as I'm missing you right now

If I had a single flower for every time I think about you, I'd find myself walking forever in a garden full of the worlds most precious flowers.

If you like you can give me a ring later on tonight when you're free.

Love u boo :-)

Then he attached about 5 pictures of flowers (one example below).

And one really gay bear.

Basically I thought this was the newest attempt at spam, but my curiousity was too piqued to not do anything about it. Upon further investigation it came to light that random email guy was trying to email his girlfriend, who happens to share my name, but has a middle initial in her email address while mine does not (those middle initials are important folks!).

So the lessons learned is this: don't accidentally send me an email because I will make fun of it and you in front of the whole internet. Also if you do get random emails from men share them with your husband who must then step up his game and and bring you home flowers.

Competition

Rusty: Austin, doesn't mommy look beautiful?

Austin: No! Dora's BOO-I-FUL

I think he has his first crush.

Yes, I did Indeed Drop the H Bomb

So if you know me at all, you probably know that I don't swear. In fact, I could count on one hand the number of times I've said a swear word out loud. Included is that one time when I was about 18-years-old and I was driving in my car by myself and I wanted to hear what the "F" word sounded like coming from me. So I said it. It took me like 8 miles to convince myself to say it though. It didn't come easy. And then I made myself listen to John Bytheway for the next 30 miles. That was punishment enough so that I'll never do it again.

Anyways, so there are a few cases where I feel like it's ok to say (or write) a swear word.

1. When you're referring to extremely cold weather.

2. When you're referring to extremely idiotic people.

3. When you're explaining what you don't like about Stephanie Meyer's book The Host.

I'm just a firm believer in the fact that an occasional well-placed swear word flavors the diatribe in a way that "heck" and "gosh dang" just can't. That is all.

Open Letter to Potential Tenants

Dear Potential Renter,

When you ask questions like, "Will you put grass in the backyard?" We may stumble around a bit and mumble incoherently because the last time we checked, there was grass in the backyard.

Another example of when we may come across as less than articulate is when you ask if "all that permanent marker on the walls is going to come off?" We're not mumbling swear words at you, I promise!

Also, we understand that your credit score is less than perfect. However, if you owe your current landlord $9000 there's no chance in hell we're renting to you. Enough with the harrassing emails, those don't help your case either.

Sincerely,

"Ashlyn - what is this dog doing?"

"Pooping corn!"