Sunday, November 6, 2011

I'm Going to Eat the Placenta

No really, I'm not.  

But I do like reading about people who do.  And in case you wondered what it was like, here's someone's experience:  (FYI she's an American).  And of course I had to add my thoughts on the matter, because sometimes all the time when I'm in my third trimester I like to make fun of people that are different than me.  

Please tell me if you want to try some.  I'll share mine.  Mostly because I don't have a need for it, and also so I know who to block on facebook  because I'm sure placenta is just a step away from eating an actual child or a beloved pet.  And while I can be friends with someone who would eat their cat, I can't be friends with someone who would eat my child.

I read the article in 10 second increments, trying to absorb it all.  And trying to gain the courage to scroll down a little further...because at the beginning she warns that there are pictures.  And that's unfortunately not a lie.  And I for one lie a lot on my blog and photoshop pictures of me so I look skinnier, so I kind of hoped that she did, too.

So here is my review.  I gagged.  And my eyes watered a lot.  And then I had to stop when I saw it in the pan.  My husband had to read the rest  (seriously, that man is a keeper!) while I was in another room channeling happy thoughts and yelling things like, "DID SHE MARINATE IT??!"  I also had to down a zofran, something I haven't had to do since my sister-in-law sent me a picture of her husband's toe nail.

Oh, and another thing.  How do you find two friends that will eat placenta with you?  I can't even find two friends that will go to a movie with me.  (True story, I saw Bridesmaids by myself...and Harry Potter).

But there are apparently emotional and health benefits to eating it, so I of course started thinking about all the emotional and health benefits to NOT eating the placenta, and here's my list:

1.  Cow is better.  Even the McDonalds version of it.  
I guess I don't actually know that for sure, but my intuition hasn't failed me yet.  And plus there is no umbilical cord attached to my quarter pounder.  And that's saying a lot, because it's McDonalds.

2.  It's never a good idea to eat things that are expelled from your body.  Ex. poop, urine, vomit, pus.
(Another intuitive moment FYI).

3.  If you want to be green and all natural, cloth diaper or something.  Or just do what I do and smile at the windmills.  It will be just as fulfilling I'm sure.  But not physically fulfilling.  Heck, if you want to be physically fulfilled grow a cabbage and eat that.

4.  I quote:  "I read somewhere that if you save some of your placenta pills in the freezer, you can take them during menopause and they will help regulate your hormones and ease the transition."  

Somewhere?  You read somewhere?  It's never a good idea to just read something somewhere and then follow through with it.  Because there's some whacked out stuff on the internets y'all.  Although I will admit that the pill version is less creepy, but I'm not really one to keep something around for 30 years, because in 30 years there is going to be a cure for menopause.  

5:  Another quote:  "Did you know that first borns are smarter and healthier, because most mothers do not replenish their nutrient stores before getting pregnant again with the next child?"  Actually, that's a lie.  First borns are smarter and healthier because you're still naively excited about motherhood and you don't forget to take them in for their vaccines and dentist appointments.  Of course I potty-trained my first child before she was 2, I had nothing else to do.  My third child?  I figure his Kindergarten teacher will probably have to do it.  That's what taxes are for!

6.  Quote:  "I mainly did it, because I read that it helps fight off PPD [postpartum depression]."  FYI - she forgot to include that she read it somewhere...but you know what else fights off PPD?  A massage, a manicure, a nap.  Beating the side of your house with a baseball bat.  Or Zoloft even.

And finally....

7.  Of course eating it would be an emotional experience.  I probably wouldn't be able to stop crying after my husband left me either.

In conclusion, if you want to love your baby and feel an emotional attachment to her.  Kiss her.  Hug her.  Lick her if you have to.  Just don't get all hippie on the placenta...or if you do, don't share pictures.  I will definitely never be able to have another child because I could not survive first trimester morning sickness with that image scarred into my brain.


Nancy said...

Laughing my ass off...well not true otherwise i wound't have one but hey your blog just made me feel much better after reading that VERY graphic article...

Candice said...

I would do a lot of things for you, even go to Harry Potter, but I won't do that! :) I can't even find the guts to go to the article. I LOVE your list and am going to re-read that instead.

Misty said...

Ahahaha! There's someone in my ward who had her placenta made into pills, I believe. I would never. I WOULD go to the movies with you. Come back and we'll go see something!

Plus, I'm pretty sure my second child is smarter than my first. Not that I'm comparing, but he talks sooner, better, understands a lot more, etc. It MAY have to do with the fact that he didn't possibly have a lack of oxygen to the brain, but first children are definitely not always smarter.

Amber in June said...

I read the original post as well, and that is so disgusting. I agree, one step away from cannibalism. Yuck, yuck, yuck. But thank you for the humorous post. ;)

Alesha Evans said...

I think my roommate thinks I am crazy cause I have been laughing so hard at your posts. Thanks for making me laugh. Keep em' coming!

heather said...

gross!! loved "just smile at a windmill" :) my kind of world :)

Jenna said...

HAHAHAHAHA! This seriously cracks me up. I could never in my wildest dreams eat my own placenta. You're right -- the next step is inhaling your baby! I hope she's not one of those moms who says, "You're so cute I could eat you right up!" Because she probably means it.

Mmmm ... human epidermis ...

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