Tuesday, November 22, 2011

My Baby is Six!

I'll admit that I am completely envious of my 40-week pregnant past self.  I hope to never be there again though.

Ashlyn had three requests for her birthday.

1.  We do not go to the gym.  (A request that I completely ignored, but I did leave early).
2.  Nobody takes a nap (Apparently, I've been really boring lately - another request I ignored, but I did let her watch TV while I snoozed).
3.  A scooter.

 At least she got one thing she wanted.


Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Arguments with my Husband

Me:  I bought bacon today.  So that I would maybe make dinner tonight, but then I left it out all day and had to throw it away.

Rust:  You can't do that.  I'll eat it.

Me:  You can't eat bacon that has been sitting in a bag on the counter for 10 hours.  

Rust:  You can't throw away bacon.  

So something about my husband...

Rust doesn't like to waste food.  And I know this, but I don't like to clean out the fridge.  Because gross things make me gag, especially now that I know how much like placenta taco meat looks like.  And sometimes things get shoved in the back and we forget that it's there, because I don't bend over anymore unless I absolutely have to.

So we're kind of at a standstill.  

So I don't even remember that last time we had tacos (it certainly wasn't after my placenta post last week), but because we had no bacon for dinner we had to get creative.  And by creative, I mean I feed the kids PB&J sandwiches and I eat some yogurt.  Rust starts rummaging in the fridge and finds the taco meat.  Way way way in the back.  

He starts heating it up.  Then scoops it onto his plate.

So I spit in it.

And then he's grossed out and throws it away.

And now I'm going to bed angry at him for thinking my spit is grosser than month old taco meat.

And he is going to bed hungry, but won't die tomorrow.  So I win. 


Thursday, November 10, 2011

Head Room Mom

Have I mentioned that I'm head room mom for my son's preschool?  I'm not sure how that happened.

Actually, maybe I do.  I vaguely recall a meeting where I had to fill out an information sheet, and maybe under the religion question I drew a little devil.  Not unlike this one...

But the devil wasn't holding a pitch fork, it was holding a cup of coffee.

Did I mention it's a Baptist preschool?  I don't think they're so keen on devils.

Because then they made me head room mom.

But two can play this game.  So I cut my son's hair into a mohawk.  Just in time for school pictures.  Because I'm passive aggressive like that...

Rust doesn't like it when I give Austin mohawks.  He thinks it makes us one star people.  But while that may be a little true, what really makes us one star people is eating at Cici's Pizza.  And if we're going to give up one, it should most definitely be the pizza.

So now I have parents dropping off things like bags of candy for various parties.  And I don't feel even a little bit bad when I eat an entire bag by myself.

The gauntlet has been thrown baptist preschool.  Do your worst.  Even if it means damning me to hell.  Because there are worst things out there...like sending missionaries to my door.


Sunday, November 6, 2011

I'm Going to Eat the Placenta

No really, I'm not.  

But I do like reading about people who do.  And in case you wondered what it was like, here's someone's experience:  http://mamaandbabylove.blogspot.com/2011/08/yes-i-ate-my-placenta.html  (FYI she's an American).  And of course I had to add my thoughts on the matter, because sometimes all the time when I'm in my third trimester I like to make fun of people that are different than me.  

Please tell me if you want to try some.  I'll share mine.  Mostly because I don't have a need for it, and also so I know who to block on facebook  because I'm sure placenta is just a step away from eating an actual child or a beloved pet.  And while I can be friends with someone who would eat their cat, I can't be friends with someone who would eat my child.

I read the article in 10 second increments, trying to absorb it all.  And trying to gain the courage to scroll down a little further...because at the beginning she warns that there are pictures.  And that's unfortunately not a lie.  And I for one lie a lot on my blog and photoshop pictures of me so I look skinnier, so I kind of hoped that she did, too.

So here is my review.  I gagged.  And my eyes watered a lot.  And then I had to stop when I saw it in the pan.  My husband had to read the rest  (seriously, that man is a keeper!) while I was in another room channeling happy thoughts and yelling things like, "DID SHE MARINATE IT??!"  I also had to down a zofran, something I haven't had to do since my sister-in-law sent me a picture of her husband's toe nail.

Oh, and another thing.  How do you find two friends that will eat placenta with you?  I can't even find two friends that will go to a movie with me.  (True story, I saw Bridesmaids by myself...and Harry Potter).

But there are apparently emotional and health benefits to eating it, so I of course started thinking about all the emotional and health benefits to NOT eating the placenta, and here's my list:

1.  Cow is better.  Even the McDonalds version of it.  
I guess I don't actually know that for sure, but my intuition hasn't failed me yet.  And plus there is no umbilical cord attached to my quarter pounder.  And that's saying a lot, because it's McDonalds.

2.  It's never a good idea to eat things that are expelled from your body.  Ex. poop, urine, vomit, pus.
(Another intuitive moment FYI).

3.  If you want to be green and all natural, cloth diaper or something.  Or just do what I do and smile at the windmills.  It will be just as fulfilling I'm sure.  But not physically fulfilling.  Heck, if you want to be physically fulfilled grow a cabbage and eat that.

4.  I quote:  "I read somewhere that if you save some of your placenta pills in the freezer, you can take them during menopause and they will help regulate your hormones and ease the transition."  

Somewhere?  You read somewhere?  It's never a good idea to just read something somewhere and then follow through with it.  Because there's some whacked out stuff on the internets y'all.  Although I will admit that the pill version is less creepy, but I'm not really one to keep something around for 30 years, because in 30 years there is going to be a cure for menopause.  

5:  Another quote:  "Did you know that first borns are smarter and healthier, because most mothers do not replenish their nutrient stores before getting pregnant again with the next child?"  Actually, that's a lie.  First borns are smarter and healthier because you're still naively excited about motherhood and you don't forget to take them in for their vaccines and dentist appointments.  Of course I potty-trained my first child before she was 2, I had nothing else to do.  My third child?  I figure his Kindergarten teacher will probably have to do it.  That's what taxes are for!

6.  Quote:  "I mainly did it, because I read that it helps fight off PPD [postpartum depression]."  FYI - she forgot to include that she read it somewhere...but you know what else fights off PPD?  A massage, a manicure, a nap.  Beating the side of your house with a baseball bat.  Or Zoloft even.

And finally....

7.  Of course eating it would be an emotional experience.  I probably wouldn't be able to stop crying after my husband left me either.

In conclusion, if you want to love your baby and feel an emotional attachment to her.  Kiss her.  Hug her.  Lick her if you have to.  Just don't get all hippie on the placenta...or if you do, don't share pictures.  I will definitely never be able to have another child because I could not survive first trimester morning sickness with that image scarred into my brain.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011


Are we noticing a trend yet?

Let me give you a hint:

I bet you think I'm referring to how unoriginal and cheap I am when it comes to making Ashlyn's costumes, huh?  But no, I was actually referring to the fact that we've lived in 4 different houses the last 4 Halloweens (but actually if you want to do the math - Rust and I have never been in the same house two Halloweens in a row).  

What?  You don't believe me?
New Years Resolution 2012: Don't freaking move.  Even if you still have no friends next year.  Just kidding.  I have like 5.  If you round up.

I don't know what's more annoying, the 20 lbs of candy or the one little pink whistle...and no, not all the candy is pictured because we should all know that no woman will overestimate weight.  Like ever.

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