Size Matters

It's always a good sign when your husband requires two rolls of wrapping paper to wrap your presents. :D

Kids Christmas Wish List

Ashlyn: I want a magic wand that actually works.

Austin: I want a Buzz that actually flies.

Oh how disappointed my kids will be tomorrow morning!

...because I'm on a roll now

GRIEF #4:

Password requirements. You know what I mean, right?

Password must contain: At least one upper case letter and one lower case letter

At least one special character ($#@&* U)

At least two numbers

Your left arm

The only thing you can do when you log into my student loan account, is pay my freaking bill.

So here's my password y'all: DIE*bi11s*DIE

Feel free to pay my bills.

Happy Festivus!

Or Smithmas or Christmas Adam, or whatever made up holiday you like to celebrate today.

I keep with Festivus because it's the only time of year I get away with airing my grievances.

Grief #1: Laugh Tracks

I hate them. I realized the other night when I caught an episode of How I Met Your Mother how obnoxious they are. Apparently, when I was 8 and watching reruns of Full House on an hourly basis, the obnoxious laugh track was overshadowed by the general obnoxiousness of the entire show. If you need to tell me when to laugh, you're not funny enough.

I think I will record my own laugh track and carry it around with me on a tape player so people will laugh at my jokes.

I mean it.

Or maybe just an applause sign. Because when I save $16.23 at Safeway, people really should cheer for me. *Laugh now*

Grief #2: Pictures of bloody cuts

There is never a time when I want to go to your family blog or log into Facebook just to see a huge picture of your son's arm hanging by a couple of muscle tendons because a dog mauled him.

I watch Greys Anatomy for that.

There is NEVER a time when I want to see your husband with shards of glass sticking through his abdomen. NEVER EVER. (Granted, I did have appropriate warning for that one AND I went searching for it AND it's still your fault I saw it).

Do you have the picture yet? Or should I post one? The answer to that question is always NO.

Grief #3: Waitresses that try to memorize my order

When I am telling a friend about a restaurant, I bring up things like "great food...great prices...great atmosphere...free chips and salsa as soon as you get there." I never ever say,

"OMG Mom! You have to try out Chili's in Port Orchard! Their waiters have THE best memories EVER."

JUST WRITE IT DOWN DAM IT!

Feats of Strength:

The second part of Festivus is the feats of strength. Rust and I spent the day snowboarding, and we did a Blue Square. And for those of you not with the lingo, a blue square is basically a black diamond when you suck. That was pretty featish of us.

And sorry, no festivus pole this year. We have a real Christmas tree and Rusty was unwilling to cut off all of its branches.

Happy Festivus everyone!

My Christmas Wish List

No, I'm not kidding. I totally want a pillow pet.

Mostly because it reminds me so much of Amanda Panda. My favorite stuffed animal growing up. My brothers threw her in a bon fire when I was 11. I haven't been able to find a replacement for her yet (and yes, I've been looking for 18 years!)

Mom Things I Haven't Blogged About

I feel like I have nothing new to blog about, as most of my life revolves around the 2 kiddos and I have experienced every parenthood aspect in the last 5 years.

So let's just talk about poop. Because frankly, there is always something about poop that you can talk about.

Austin swallowed a penny. I know this because as I was falling asleep one night, he yelled, "MOMMY! I ATE MONEY!" He's since learned that when he does something like that, he is supposed to call his father.

We practice.

When you poop your pants, who do you call? DADDY!

When you find $20, who do you call? MOMMY!

When you swallow that $20, who do you call? DADDY!

So we watched House together while I monitored his breathing and I gave him some fiber, blah blah blah. The kid poops like 5 times a day, so I figured I'd dig through it for a day or two and then wallah! Penny! *Is that how you spell "wallah"?

It took 3 weeks. For those of you unfamiliar with math, here's how it breaks down.

21 days * 5 poops a day = 105 poops.

After the first few, I just didn't care anymore about that dam penny (And yes, I did get the penny at the Grand Coulee when we visited it this last summer) or about Austin's intestinal health. But at that point, it was a personal mission.

And yeah, we went out to dinner in celebration after finding it.

Total cost of this penny (worth 1 cent for those unfamiliar):

Celebratory dinner at Pizza Hut: $32.01

Cost of imaging: $170

MiraLAX: $5

Total monetary cost (as there is also an emotional one considering I dug through 105 poops):

$207.01

Lesson learned: Wash your hands after you deal with money, because yes, it is back in circulation now. And just for fair warning, the last place we saw it was Pizza Hut.

You Know Your Mom's a Cougar When...

*Help me fill in the blank here! But I'll get you started with one -

You know your mom's a cougar when your best friend from high school (whom you always thought would end up as your sister somehow) will be your aunt now instead.

Congrats mom and Jeff!