Wednesday, November 17, 2010

A Really Long One...(and probably offensive, too)

To make up for the fact that I have only blogged like 5 times this year, I'm going to stretch this one into a novel. So here goes...

There's this thing called a "sample sale" where my husband works. Every few months, all the clothes that his company sells (think $100 for jeans or a dress and $45 for shirts) go on sale for employees to purchase for about 5 cents each. It's fun. I don't even really like the clothes (should I be saying that so publicly?), I just go for the pure adrenaline rush that results when 40 women (we get divided into groups) converge upon these clothes and that thin veneer of civilization we all pretended having while we were chatting in line is forgotten.

They also have home goods, and at this time of year they have Christmas items for sale.

So I'm standing in front of this set of stocking blocks (you know what I'm talking about, right? They sit on your mantle and hold up/weigh down your stockings). One set spelled NOEL and the other set spelled PEACE. I knew I only had about 20 seconds before an 80-year-old hip checked me and grabbed them for herself. (I saw her coming!) Anyways, this was no time to be torn over such a big issue, but I thought of my sister-in-law.

I know what she would have done, she would have grabbed both sets. And the one that said JOY. And then she would have worried that she didn't grab enough. And yes, Ginger. I'm talking about you.

But I don't plan on having 45 children. I was almost good with two when Austin became potty trained and the visions of having both children in school shortly loomed before my eyes. But I went with PEACE. Even though I hate throwing up 17 times a day and I love playing volleyball 4 times a week.

And no, this is not an announcement. Rusty says we have to go on a cruise first.

So here's what was on my list the next day. Find an OB. Now I have had some experiences with OBs in the past, here's how I chose my first OB when I was pregnant with Ashlyn. Someone recommended me. It worked, he was awesome. And when I chose my second OB, I did it solely on racial stereotypes. We were in Hawaii and I had a choice between some Hawaiians or an Asian guy. I went with the Asian guy that went to Dartmouth because Hawaiians are always portrayed as being "laid back" and I didn't want a laid back doctor, and plus, all the Asians in all the TV shows I watch are super smart (seriously, who's the best resident on Greys Anatomy?) and all the Asians I know from college double majored.

But this would be baby number 3 and I have learned a few things.

1. It doesn't matter who your doctor is. Chances are they won't be there. And some random person will deliver your child. The only thing they do is overview your weight gain for the month and look at you coldly. I'm sorry Asian doctor that 40 pounds is how much you weigh, but that is how much I gained this month. Stop looking at me like that.

2. What really matters is who the crap your anesthesiologist is. How far away from the hospital they live, or better yet, do they just sleep at the hospital? Do they require frequent breaks? Are they of the opinion that the mother should "feel" some of the birth ('cuz that's just crap). Will they let me keep the epidural needle? Things like that.

So my conclusion is that I'm going to find the fattest OB in all of Northern Idaho and go with that person. And spend my time and money hiring my own personal anesthesiologist.


Ginger said...


Can I buy you a cruise for Christmas? Or in our case, get you two in a big fight? (Because we all know what making up can do...)

and I am totally honored I made the blog, PS.

Misty said...

Haha! Glad to have you back! You crack me up!

Betsy said...

Okay... what else did you have to do to get Rusty to agree with this?

Bethany said...

who even needs an OB anyway? i think I only saw mine 4 times during my last pregnancy. I agree with your assessments. i want to go on a cruise. lucky.

Anonymous said...

thank you for blogging. I love reading your posts!

Rachel said...

Yeah, I'd skip the OB, Brit. I think that in OB med school, they give them a textbook called "1001 Ways to Make Women Self-conscious About 5th Month Weight Gain."

Candi said...

Brian and I look forward to your posts. Very much. You have no idea. Thanks for this one. We were ROFL :-)(look how down with the lingo I am). In fact, Brian would like you guys to move down here by us so you can keep us entertained close range. Remember how we were neighbors once and our VCR ate your "Matrix" video tape? Yeah. It could be like that again.

Kate said...

I love you and your blog.

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