Size Matters

It's always a good sign when your husband requires two rolls of wrapping paper to wrap your presents. :D

Kids Christmas Wish List

Ashlyn: I want a magic wand that actually works.

Austin: I want a Buzz that actually flies.

Oh how disappointed my kids will be tomorrow morning!

...because I'm on a roll now

GRIEF #4:

Password requirements. You know what I mean, right?

Password must contain: At least one upper case letter and one lower case letter

At least one special character ($#@&* U)

At least two numbers

Your left arm

The only thing you can do when you log into my student loan account, is pay my freaking bill.

So here's my password y'all: DIE*bi11s*DIE

Feel free to pay my bills.

Happy Festivus!

Or Smithmas or Christmas Adam, or whatever made up holiday you like to celebrate today.

I keep with Festivus because it's the only time of year I get away with airing my grievances.

Grief #1: Laugh Tracks

I hate them. I realized the other night when I caught an episode of How I Met Your Mother how obnoxious they are. Apparently, when I was 8 and watching reruns of Full House on an hourly basis, the obnoxious laugh track was overshadowed by the general obnoxiousness of the entire show. If you need to tell me when to laugh, you're not funny enough.

I think I will record my own laugh track and carry it around with me on a tape player so people will laugh at my jokes.

I mean it.

Or maybe just an applause sign. Because when I save $16.23 at Safeway, people really should cheer for me. *Laugh now*

Grief #2: Pictures of bloody cuts

There is never a time when I want to go to your family blog or log into Facebook just to see a huge picture of your son's arm hanging by a couple of muscle tendons because a dog mauled him.

I watch Greys Anatomy for that.

There is NEVER a time when I want to see your husband with shards of glass sticking through his abdomen. NEVER EVER. (Granted, I did have appropriate warning for that one AND I went searching for it AND it's still your fault I saw it).

Do you have the picture yet? Or should I post one? The answer to that question is always NO.

Grief #3: Waitresses that try to memorize my order

When I am telling a friend about a restaurant, I bring up things like "great food...great prices...great atmosphere...free chips and salsa as soon as you get there." I never ever say,

"OMG Mom! You have to try out Chili's in Port Orchard! Their waiters have THE best memories EVER."

JUST WRITE IT DOWN DAM IT!

Feats of Strength:

The second part of Festivus is the feats of strength. Rust and I spent the day snowboarding, and we did a Blue Square. And for those of you not with the lingo, a blue square is basically a black diamond when you suck. That was pretty featish of us.

And sorry, no festivus pole this year. We have a real Christmas tree and Rusty was unwilling to cut off all of its branches.

Happy Festivus everyone!

My Christmas Wish List

No, I'm not kidding. I totally want a pillow pet.

Mostly because it reminds me so much of Amanda Panda. My favorite stuffed animal growing up. My brothers threw her in a bon fire when I was 11. I haven't been able to find a replacement for her yet (and yes, I've been looking for 18 years!)

Mom Things I Haven't Blogged About

I feel like I have nothing new to blog about, as most of my life revolves around the 2 kiddos and I have experienced every parenthood aspect in the last 5 years.

So let's just talk about poop. Because frankly, there is always something about poop that you can talk about.

Austin swallowed a penny. I know this because as I was falling asleep one night, he yelled, "MOMMY! I ATE MONEY!" He's since learned that when he does something like that, he is supposed to call his father.

We practice.

When you poop your pants, who do you call? DADDY!

When you find $20, who do you call? MOMMY!

When you swallow that $20, who do you call? DADDY!

So we watched House together while I monitored his breathing and I gave him some fiber, blah blah blah. The kid poops like 5 times a day, so I figured I'd dig through it for a day or two and then wallah! Penny! *Is that how you spell "wallah"?

It took 3 weeks. For those of you unfamiliar with math, here's how it breaks down.

21 days * 5 poops a day = 105 poops.

After the first few, I just didn't care anymore about that dam penny (And yes, I did get the penny at the Grand Coulee when we visited it this last summer) or about Austin's intestinal health. But at that point, it was a personal mission.

And yeah, we went out to dinner in celebration after finding it.

Total cost of this penny (worth 1 cent for those unfamiliar):

Celebratory dinner at Pizza Hut: $32.01

Cost of imaging: $170

MiraLAX: $5

Total monetary cost (as there is also an emotional one considering I dug through 105 poops):

$207.01

Lesson learned: Wash your hands after you deal with money, because yes, it is back in circulation now. And just for fair warning, the last place we saw it was Pizza Hut.

You Know Your Mom's a Cougar When...

*Help me fill in the blank here! But I'll get you started with one -

You know your mom's a cougar when your best friend from high school (whom you always thought would end up as your sister somehow) will be your aunt now instead.

Congrats mom and Jeff!

Question and Answer with Me

Q. How many opportunities in life will the chance to wear your prom dress come up?

A. Twice. Once at prom and once at your daughter's princess tea birthday party.

I don't remember it being so tight!

Ashlyn quote of the day: "You can wear it mommy, but I will still be the prettiest."

A Really Long One...(and probably offensive, too)

To make up for the fact that I have only blogged like 5 times this year, I'm going to stretch this one into a novel. So here goes...

There's this thing called a "sample sale" where my husband works. Every few months, all the clothes that his company sells (think $100 for jeans or a dress and $45 for shirts) go on sale for employees to purchase for about 5 cents each. It's fun. I don't even really like the clothes (should I be saying that so publicly?), I just go for the pure adrenaline rush that results when 40 women (we get divided into groups) converge upon these clothes and that thin veneer of civilization we all pretended having while we were chatting in line is forgotten.

They also have home goods, and at this time of year they have Christmas items for sale.

So I'm standing in front of this set of stocking blocks (you know what I'm talking about, right? They sit on your mantle and hold up/weigh down your stockings). One set spelled NOEL and the other set spelled PEACE. I knew I only had about 20 seconds before an 80-year-old hip checked me and grabbed them for herself. (I saw her coming!) Anyways, this was no time to be torn over such a big issue, but I thought of my sister-in-law.

I know what she would have done, she would have grabbed both sets. And the one that said JOY. And then she would have worried that she didn't grab enough. And yes, Ginger. I'm talking about you.

But I don't plan on having 45 children. I was almost good with two when Austin became potty trained and the visions of having both children in school shortly loomed before my eyes. But I went with PEACE. Even though I hate throwing up 17 times a day and I love playing volleyball 4 times a week.

And no, this is not an announcement. Rusty says we have to go on a cruise first.

So here's what was on my list the next day. Find an OB. Now I have had some experiences with OBs in the past, here's how I chose my first OB when I was pregnant with Ashlyn. Someone recommended me. It worked, he was awesome. And when I chose my second OB, I did it solely on racial stereotypes. We were in Hawaii and I had a choice between some Hawaiians or an Asian guy. I went with the Asian guy that went to Dartmouth because Hawaiians are always portrayed as being "laid back" and I didn't want a laid back doctor, and plus, all the Asians in all the TV shows I watch are super smart (seriously, who's the best resident on Greys Anatomy?) and all the Asians I know from college double majored.

But this would be baby number 3 and I have learned a few things.

1. It doesn't matter who your doctor is. Chances are they won't be there. And some random person will deliver your child. The only thing they do is overview your weight gain for the month and look at you coldly. I'm sorry Asian doctor that 40 pounds is how much you weigh, but that is how much I gained this month. Stop looking at me like that.

2. What really matters is who the crap your anesthesiologist is. How far away from the hospital they live, or better yet, do they just sleep at the hospital? Do they require frequent breaks? Are they of the opinion that the mother should "feel" some of the birth ('cuz that's just crap). Will they let me keep the epidural needle? Things like that.

So my conclusion is that I'm going to find the fattest OB in all of Northern Idaho and go with that person. And spend my time and money hiring my own personal anesthesiologist.

New tenants

We found some new tenants (the last ones had to go after they didn't pay rent for a few months and then moved out without telling us), so yeah, they're gone. Take that.

I hope it works out. I have a good feeling about her. We met up and we were wearing the same shoes. That's always a good sign of good financial relations.

Her daughter is going to hang up some Justin Bieber posters in Ashlyn's old room. Having your house desecrated by Bieber is a small price to pay for a rent check each month.

Hey remember how I used to blog?

Yeah, me too. But just barely...

Happy 3rd Austin!

Check out his cool new hair cut.

Although any "cool" that we thrust upon him gets undone as soon as he puts on his Elmo socks and sandals.

Remember...

last year when I was naively embracing my first north Idaho winter? And all winter long while I huddled and froze everyone around me commented on what an easy and mellow winter we were having? Yeah, that sucked.

Remember those shoes I bought? These ones.

Well, I learned my lesson. In my annual shoe shopping trip (hahahahaha like I only buy shoes once a year!), I bought like 5 pairs of boots and these:

And I love them.

But don't think that I actually plan on going out in the snow...while I'm huddled under 6 feet of blankets in front of my fireplace, I'm going to wear them then.

Unpacked

...and I don't ever plan on moving ever again until next year.

(K - seriously kidding about the next year thing).

But seriously, check out this view from our backyard. The picture doesn't even do it justice. I'm loving me these mountains. Best place we've ever lived.

Haha just kidding! This picture below of our first front yard was definitely awesomer.

But when we lived here, we didn't have bears get into our garbage cans at night. Just the locals.

Austin Derek

Austin's favorite words are: "SUPER AWESOME RAD!"

And anytime he jumps he says, "To INFINITY, LET ME GO!" (Earlier today his cousin mistakenly called her little toy Buzz doll, Austin - or perhaps not mistakenly).

He still loves his food. The other night, I was tell him it was time to go to bed while he was apparently having a very important conversation with his daddy, he turned to me and very sternly said, "Us are talking about food now!"

Last month, when Nanee and Papa (Rusty's parents) had just come home from China, but before they left for Ukraine, they were handing out birthday presents for the year. He held onto his for a good 30 minutes, but kept asking me when his birthday was (end of September). Every 5 minutes or so he would cry out "It is taking so long for my birthday!" We let him open it early.

And lastly, a few days ago, I found him in our garage ripping apart an ant and I told him, "Austin, I don't think that ant liked being torn into lots of pieces." His response was classic, "But mommy, that's just what little boys do!"

Ashlyn Kate

So my little girl starts preschool in a couple of weeks! Most parents lament how fast their kids grow up, but you know what? I'm surprised Ashlyn is only 4. She seems older, mature, and ready for 3rd grade!

The other day she was taking a bath and started freaking out and screaming about something being scary. I thought for sure there was a bug in the tub with her. Nope, just my razor. She wouldn't go near the thing.

We had a family reunion camp out early this month in Port Orchard, WA and Ashlyn was so confused about the weather. "Mommy, why does it rain, and then stop and then rain and rain again?"

And lastly, our small little town just got its first roundabout, and she asked me, "Mommy, is roundabout Chinese for circle?" See? Ready for third grade!

Because I'm a Pro Now

I already know the best way to potty train a kid.

Big huge TV (seriously - we only went to the store to return a Redbox, not sure how we came out with that thing). Give your child an endless supply of chocolate milk and take a nap on the couch.

Wallah!

I was Gobsmacked

Remember that song that I totally fell in love with? The one that Candi so accurately described as Beatles meet 80's rock meets Hermione. Yeah, that one.

I bought it.

And because I'm American and it was only released in the UK they were able to gouge me. And I spent $7.60 on it. Just one song. And it will probably take a month to get here. But when it gets here, and because I'm American and I believe that a song should (at most) only cost $1.29, but should really be free, I'm giving away copies of it. And because I'm not so great at math, I'll give anyone a copy of it if they want it until I make up for being gouged. But only if you come and get it. Because I don't want anyone else to be gouged. And I don't want to pay for anyone's shipping.

Oh, and because I'm American I don't know how to use the word "gobsmacked". Sorry about that England. You know what I'm not sorry about? That tea party.

FTR

When you write "kinda" in your college paper, it "kinda" makes me want to give you a zero on the entire assignment.

You Know What?

I thought I'd come back from my seven mile run tonight noticeably skinnier. But my shorts still fit me the same.

What's up with that?

Google vs. Bing: Part II b

I didn't want people to get upset with my political one-sidedness, so I'm back again tonight being all "nonpartisan". And when I say nonpartisan, I mean I am strictly Libertarian. We're leaving Ron Paul out of these search engine wars.

Bing: George Bush is the devil.

Google: George Bush is a lizard.

Frankly in my eyes, both these presidents lose. Google clearly wins this one though.

Google -2 Bing - 1

Google vs. Bing: Part II

Remember Part I?

This is round two.

Today I typed in "Barack Obama is" and google came up with this:

Barack Obama is your new bicycle. I don't even know what that's supposed to mean or what to say about that.

Bing came up with:

Barack Obama is the antichrist.

Definitely a point for Bing. Definitely. It pretty sums up my feelings on the whole "kill switch" thing going on right now...

Google - 1 Bing - 1

Shout out for Meg

Here is a link to Meg's blog and her Etsy shop.

I can't tell you how long I've wanted one of her family trees. But for some reason, we just keep getting poorer and poorer (amazing how that happens, huh?) I blame the ten tires we've had to buy in the last six months. (And yes, we only have 2 cars). So one of these trees has been on my birthday and Christmas wish list (and Mother's day, etc, etc) for quite some time. But maybe there is just too much planning involved for Rust, 'cuz I've never received one.

But I WON one! I actually won a blog giveaway. And I haven't won anything since I won that Lost trivia contest KHNL put on 5 years ago. (I can't believe no one else on the island knew what seat number Jack sat in on the plane, come on guys!)

So now since I'm not buying one, I think you should.

Thank you Meg and H is for Handmade!

Keeping My Fingers Crossed

Those British know how to put together a good song! I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this one gets released in the US. I don't have high hopes because Leon never made it big over here...

The video is bizarre though. I mean seriously? Could they not come up with anything better than a dog?

What No Pictures?

People keep complaining about my lack of pictures from my trip to Washington and my class reunion. Well, here it is. The most important one.

How in the world did I live 28 years and not realize that these things existed???

Thanks for letting us crash at your house Misty!

Ten Year Class Reunion Recap

So I'm glad I went. It was a lot of fun, just like high school was. And everyone was pretty much the same, including that one chic that used to pretend she had an English accent. Yeah, she still has it.

Also, I tried to sit with the popular kids at dinner, but failed miserably at that and sat at the mormon table. Just like high school.

And then Nicole and I made fun of *her* all night. Just like high school.

Also, that popular football player talked to me. NOT like high school at all. He even maybe possibly glanced at my boob once, granted that's where my name tag was. But still.

Also, people were much nicer than I remember. I think it had something to do with the open bar. Conclusion: I think there should be an open bar in all cafeterias. I think everyone's high school experiences would be more memorable.

Or maybe they were all nicer because we've all grown up and gotten married so we've stopped making out with each other's boyfriends. Yeah, that's probably it.

The only thing I was a little disappointed about was that during dinner Genie in a Bottle never played. But then I heard it the next day at the gym, got a little teary eyed, and called it good.

See ya' in 10 class of 2000! (And when I say 10 I mean in another 10 pounds).

Maybe I'll get around to it

Austin's bike came and I'm having a slight case of the lazies.

But he's having fun, so I don't feel too bad.

Confession Time

If given the opportunity, I wouldn't move back to Boise.

Class Reunion

My ten-year class reunion is next month. I have pondered whether or not I should go for a really long time.

Here is how my thought process has evolved.

Maybe if I go, it will motivate me to lose ten pounds. Eh. Didn't work.

No, I won't go. It's $90 and I'd rather spend $90 on video games for my neighbor's kids.

Yeah, maybe I should go. Chances are I won't regret it if I do go, but I might regret it if I don't go.

Yes. I'm going. ⇈ That was a pretty solid argument.

Then when I visited my Homeland (remember how I did that?) I went to Target a few times, and every time I was there I ran into people that I went to high school with. (Seriously people - it's time to leave Silverdale and why were you always at Target?). I went out of my way to completely avoid them. That just does not bode well for a reunion.

So help me decide. RSVPs are due on Friday. I would prefer to just wake up on the 9th and say to myself, "Well, no volleyball this weekend because it's still in the 50s...no nothing going on at all. I might as well go." But that's just not an option. Unless it is Misty? Since I know you do I get a RSVP-free pass??

Playing Catch Up

I know...it's been a month. OK, it's been over a month. I haven't blogged since April! I blame my broken computer. When my motherboard crashed (or whatever it was that happened) a piece of me died with it. The piece that knows what bills are due and where the closest Best Buy is to buy a new computer. That's why it took me so long to get back online. If I don't have google, the world is dead to me. Phone books are for hippies.

So here's what's been going on with us for the last month.

We almost moved to Minnesota. I was house hunting and everything. More important than house hunting though was statcounter. I looked it up. I only have one blog reader in Minnesota. That's not a good sign. We decided to stay here instead (wherever here is though, right? Most of you have no idea what state I'm in - let's keep it that way dear stalkers). I'm quite thrilled with that decision.

So then we decided to go house shopping here. Rust liked the houses priced under 200,000 (eye roll), I liked the houses with the huge bath tubs, and the kids liked the houses with the poofy flowers.

You know, poofy flowers.

The Lost season finale came and went. I had gotten behind on my TV watching and threatened to defriend anyone on facebook that gave anything about the finale away. And it's true, I deleted people. Even if all they said was, "I lost my keys." They were gone. In fact, the only kind of comment I allowed was "That was the best 7 freaking years of my entire life!!!" *Double emphasis on the freaking.

Now that I think about it though, there may be a few awkward moments next month at my high school reunion when people say, "Hey! Why aren't we facebook friends anymore?"

Hey - I'm sorry your dog named Jack died. Honest mistake.

I also discovered that I hate jogging. Biking is more efficient. And then I was asked to participate in a Ragnar. So I have to pretend to like jogging for a little while longer.

And finally, to fulfill the needs of a computer while mine was being examined and kicked around, I bought an ipod touch. It rocks my world. Now when I'm watching Glee, I don't even have to get up off the couch to download the new songs. The only issue I've had with it is it's shuffle feature. You see, most mornings between 9-10 AM I clean my kitchen. It takes that long because I'm listening to my ipod through headphones while rocking out. Why do I use headphones you ask? My kids constantly complain about how loud my music is. So anyways, back to the shuffle feature - as I'm dancing and shaking my groove thang (but not really, because I'm hardly ethnic) my music changes. Because when you shake your ipod touch, it shuffles the songs. Who came up with that stupid idea?

Well, it's bed time. I'm getting up first thing in the morning and driving the kids (by myself!) all the way to my homeland. I'm hoping to leave this crappy weather behind.

P.S. Stalkers take note - I live driving distance away from my homeland.

Things I Just Don't Understand and Various Tangents

My kids love Raisin Bran. Actually, so do I. It's delicious. However, I am forced to pick out the raisins as they eat their cereal. Yes, I have tried to buy the Bran version...you know, without the raisins? And they won't touch the stuff and it sits in my cupboard for months.

You know what else sits in my cupboards for months? Pringles Baked Wheat STIX. I saw those the other day and was wondering when I bought them. I'm pretty sure it was right after I moved to Boise when Austin was 3 MONTHS OLD. They expired in June of 2008, so that pretty much confirmed my theory.

I think they've been discontinued because I looked for them on Amazon and you can buy a pack of 6 for about $40. That's over $6 for a box. Apparently Pringles are a good investment. And what I mean by "good investment" is "better than that house we bought" good. You know what I wish I invested in? Cinnamon Wheat Thins. And Microsoft....when I was 4.

One more thing I don't understand. Why do people have Kitchenaids? They're at least $100. And I'm pretty sure those hand mixers only cost $3 and you get a lifetime supply of them at your wedding. Yes you may have to stand in one place for 2 minutes while you mix something up, but that is certainly worth $97.

You know what else is worth $97? A lifetime supply of wasted raisins from my kid's cereal so that they'll actually eat their breakfast.

P.S. The Pringles went back in my cupboard.

Google vs. Bing

I've seen the commercials declaring that Bing is better. But I'm a google girl, intensely loyal even if something better comes along <--- like that would ever happen. But feeling strangely open-minded today (must be all the codeine) I decided to test the two search engines. I went to Bing and typed in "Why can't I". It found this for me:

Why can't I lose weight?

Boring. We all know why I can't lose weight. It's those dang Dove truffle chocolates hidden in my cupboard and my inability to breath at the moment.

So then I went to google and typed in the same phrase. It came up with:

Why can't I own a Canadian?

Excellent question google! Why can't I own a Canadian? You clearly win.

Google - 1 Bing - 0

Our Weekend

Rust spent the weekend driving 40+ hours to go pick up his hang glider. He's in love. It would not have been that long of a trip, but he forgot to turn south at one point and ended up in the wrong state.

I spent the weekend laying lethargically on my death bed. I was diagnosed with pneumonia today.

The kids? I have no idea what they did all weekend. But I'm pretty sure I have goldfish and Nick Jr to thank for their survival.

Why You Shouldn't Sign a Lease in the Middle of Winter

Because when the snow melts, you might find out that your lawn is actually a stretch of gravel. Which not only resembles kitty litter, but must be owing to the fact that there is about 5 years of cat crap buried two inches under the rocks.

There is only one thing worse than home ownership and that's renting...worst case scenario? Owning a home and still having to rent!

Ashlyn <--- I totally spelled that one correctly

Today Ashlyn asked me why my music was so wicked.

Yesterday she told me that she wants to "live someplace warm where I'll never ever be cold ever again."

We're working on it.